Expectation (Ek Badti Tamanna)

-Kritagya Dahal (Guest Writer)

My wake-up alarm rang ending my dreamy attempt to get her back. I had already proposed her in front of her class, in front of her brother amongst hundreds of people in my dreams. This was just another addition to the list. And my dreams carried a success rate of 100%.It was already 9 in the morning and I snoozed the alarm, demanding some more time in the bed.

The small illumination of the morning sun acceded through a tiny gap of my window curtain allowing me to see how intimately and truly messed up I was. Lying motionless in a fully crumpled up bed, I could still visualize all unforgettable scenarios of my times with her.  The truly disappointing part of this situation was the feeling that she was not in my life anymore, killed me every morning I woke up.

It was all okay for two to three weeks until I freaked out of loneliness. I desperately needed someone to listen to my untold stories, someone who would be happy to be with me and someone who would offer me a nickname and I’d be more than happy to listen to it. Nobody wants to be single after a break up, not me either. Every single morning, I hoped someone to be right outside my door waiting for me, but you can never convert an imagination into a reality. All the physical stuffs of our relationship were demolished hoping for a brand new start, but instead it opened up the way for all the tiny scenarios of our times to reach my brain, and the worst part was that: it seemed impossible to erase.

Three months had passed but I was still passing through the mourning phase trying to convert it into a new morning. A morning where all the nightmares will be over, a morning where I’ll be optimistic once again, and a morning where all these depressions will start to feel like a dream. All my mates suggested that I should approach her once again, but I was done making unforgiven apologies. I was done with all the disappointments that used to follow my texts. I was done trying to get her back.

The alarm rang again disturbing my flow of emotions. I got up this time and opened my laptop. I opened the browser, and then the automatic sense in me typed facebook.com. “Facebook”, well, the word says it all. I checked my notifications, checked all the posts in newsfeed, chatted with some friends, but I was not done yet. I visited my profile, and went back to newsfeed, sorted the posts in the newsfeed over and over again. I glanced at my phone and it was already 11. You never know how Facebook will seize your time. However, it didn’t affect me as I was used to this robbery. With nothing to do but yet hard to close Facebook, my mind suggested me to open her Facebook profile. It had been long since I last opened it. I typed the first letter of her name in the search box and I had goosebumps, and I was really excited about it but I again back-spaced it. I was fully aware that one look at her profile will take me back to the very first stage. I controlled my emotions.

As I was roaming myself into the world of Facebook, suddenly a Facebook chat sound toned alerting me with a new message.

“Hey!”

It was a girl from my past school who messaged me. She was my best friend’s younger sister. She supported me really well when I was passing through some really tough times of this break up.

“Hey. How are you?” I replied.

“I’m fine and what about you?” She replied with the expected line.

“I’m fit and fine too.” I replied not knowing what to talk further.

“Hey. Are you still single?” she asked. Her question made me think a little more before I replied.

“Yeah… :(” I replied with “sad”emoticon trying to show her how lonely I was.

“Oh. There’s a girl I know. I talked to her about you. Are you interested?” she replied.

“Who?” I replied enthusiastically.

“A friend of mine. She’s really good.” she replied clarifying me a bit more.

I was fully set to accept it until I took a deep breath and thought on what will it mean to me and Mrs. New girl? Will it erase all my pains or transfer it to Mrs. New girl? Will I be able to sustain it or will I go back to grab my attitude and mess the good things once again? Will I be able to love Mrs. New girl like I did her? All these questions burst into my head at once. All of a sudden, I start acting like a Grade X student who dreamt of college life all the year but got emotional in the farewell of his school life. I was lonely and wanted some company for all these months, but now when the door is open, I am not so sure about what I want. I was so connected with those heartwarming dreams that I feared to jump into something real. One thing was sure, I wanted a girl because I was lonely. And for my happiness, I wanted to be selfish.

“So, are you ready?” She asked reminding me that I was still online.

I didn’t know what to say. I was mindful that a “Yes” will help me remove the sorrows I carried for all these months. A “Yes” will help me to get out of this loneliness. But does being lonely define that you are ready? No, it doesn’t. I got my answer. The selfish part in me could not hold the see-saw game anymore. My fingers moved forward to type some words, and this time I really meant it.

“No. I guess I’m not ready yet. I’m happy being single.”

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